Sex and the City: The Good, the Bad, and the Ugly

First off, let me clarify that in spite of any negative comments made in the article to follow, I am a devout and faithful lover of "Sex and the City." Nothing will ever change that. But that doesn't mean that the show is or was ever perfect; it has a mess of flaws. And in view of it being such a cultural touchstone for so many women, it seems prudent to open a discussion of what is worth emulating in the series, and what is not.

The Good:

• Portrayal of Female Friendship: These girls were always there for each other. I'm not sure if it was the fact that these girls were single, lived in a big city, or all had bad relationships with their families, but they always showed up for each other when needed and acted as family throughout the show. It was a theme reiterated time and time again. When one of the girls flaked out because of a boyfriend, the others called her on it, but understood. At Miranda's reception, when the girls are confronted with Sam's cancer diagnosis, Charlotte tells Miranda to "go off, be with your people." Miranda's response: "You are my people and we'll talk about it now." Reception be damned, you girls are my family and that comes first! I also always loved Charlotte's naive notion that, "Maybe we can be each other's soulmates , and then we can let men be just these great, nice guys to have fun with." And that was the basic truth of this show. Because after all the hype about one true love and soulmates (which the show covered so well) it's nice to know that you have friends in your life who will understand you and stick around longer than romantic partners. It was very telling that Big's magic words, to get the green light from the girls to go after Carrie, is that he calls them her soulmates: "A guy's just lucky to come in fourth." Don't we all want those kinds of friends? I also loved how the show portrayed the individual friendships between the girls. Sure, they function as a family and will band together when necessary, but they are individuals who respond to each other in different ways. And that is true of life: we go to different friends for different things. Carrie goes to Samantha when she needs to talk, but doesn't want to be judged; she goes to Miranda when she needs to be smacked upside the face with reality; she goes to Charlotte when she needs a boost of optimism or to indulge in crazy love-talk. Sam and Charlotte occupy opposite ends of the sexual spectrum, and the show addressed their conflicting ideologies realistically, but Sam was always there for Charlotte and Charlotte was always there for Sam, regardless. It's nice to see a group of women who can collectively support each other, but also retain their individuality and separate point of view.

• Sex Lives: It acknowledged the fact that women have and like sex! Shocking! After the myriad of bullshit shows I have had to sit through where teenage female characters are made to feel like whores for wanting to have sex, for enjoying sex, or for having had sex with more than one person, it is such a relief to watch the ladies of "Sex and the City" be so uninhibited and shameless in their sex lives. They explored sexuality in many facets, from lesbianism and bisexuality, to oral, anal, break-up and rebound sex. While it may not be every one's bag to hear about or experience all of these sexual arenas, I applaud the show for opening up the dialogue. It not only reflects the reality that many girlfriends gossip about their sex lives, or get their diaphragms stuck, or need advice on how to deal with sexual fetishes, but it portrayed the sexual appetites of these characters as healthy rather than promiscuous. It's about time the sex lives of women were treated with the same open-minded leeway as the sex lives of men.

• Singleton Issues: The older I get, the more I relate to the problem of being a single woman in a world expecting everyone to be part of a couple. This show recognized the embarrassment of going to a party populated with couples and being treated like the potential homewrecker. It acknowledged the condescending "You'll find him" offered up by acquaintances who are already married, as if finding the one is the ultimate goal of every woman's life. The pressure to marry, the loneliness of celebrating birthdays and holidays alone, the shame of spending money on yourself rather than procreating to spend your money on your children, watching ex-boyfriends who were afraid of commitment settle down with women half their age. These are some of the hardships, humiliations and realities of life without a partner. Even when the girls are in relationships, their history of depending on and providing for themselves becomes an issue: Miranda is too butch and independent, Samantha doesn't like to talk about feelings or can't find a guy to help her out when she's sick, Charlotte considers converting to Judaism for a man, and Carrie and Mr. Big went through many trials in order to secure a proper dating ritual that satisfies both parties. The point is, this show continued to recognize and realistically deal with the negotiating and compromise that takes place within relationships while also taking into account how age, independence and an unwillingness to settle affects those relationship compromises the older you get.

The Bad:

• Samantha's sexuality: I have no problem with the writers of this show making Samantha their go-to sex girl. It's not the fact that she has indiscriminate sex with a different partner on practically every episode that bothers me; it's the fact that her rationale for doing so partially conceals some real issues. Sam often uses male behavior as an example of how she should behave: just because some men are horny, emotionally stunted assholes does not mean Sam has to emulate their choices. She often makes pointed comments about "men and all that crazy testosterone" and it comes off as less understanding of men, and more a desire to become one. I don't mean to come down on the one female character whose sex life doesn't revolve around a desire to be emotionally appealing to a man, but the act seems forced and more like denial than reality. Her fear of intimacy was so bad she couldn't even hold Smith's hand. That seems a little ridiculous to me, as if the writers were trying to force cute intimacy problems down our throats to make it funny rather than have Sam actually address the problem. There were occasional forays into her stunted emotional development, but usually Kim Catrall was used as dependable comic relief and the writers rarely gave her a storyline even close to approaching the emotional complexity of one of Carrie's. This always bothered me because it was a disservice to both the actress and the character.

• The Column as Set-up: Every week Carrie writes a column with a "theme." Conveniently, each of the girls' particular problem somehow fits into that "theme" and if it doesn't, well dammit, it's forced. Like the episode where Carrie had to deal with her ex, Mr. Big, and Miranda had to deal with her ex, Steve, and Sam missed her ex, James, and Charlotte was confronted with....the memory of her old horse? Poignant. Often the main question asked by Carrie in the column is a ridiculously oversimplified concept such as "Can you make a mistake and miss your fate?" Or "What comes first: the chicken or the sex?" Or "Are relationships the religion of the '90's?" God, I hope not. I realize the the column is a gimmick, designed to make the show more accessible (and not all of the questions are stupid), but why must they shoehorn an entire world of dating issues into concise, bland, pedantic platitudes? Can't the girls just find their own way without having to service an overall concept? They were interesting characters and trying to make each storyline fit within the requisite "theme" only served to increase the amount of stories told purely for comedy. Miranda does something dangerous by having a crush on a sandwich? Sam devirginizes a "Sam Jones" because of karma? Charlotte has to act like an immature gossipy cheerleader for an entire episode? Hey - the theme was "high school"! In addition to the generalized column themes, because each episode is structured from Carrie's writing about the events we are witnessing, the writers saw fit to link scenes with ridiculous voice-overs. "While Samantha was getting freaky uptown, Miranda was freaking out downtown." Isn't that cute? The way we linked freaky/freaky and uptown/downtown? We're so devilishly clever! The absolute worst one is from "The Ick Factor." In the first scene, Charlotte and Harry are eating ice cream; in the second, a newly engaged Steve and Miranda are carrying groceries while discussing their wedding venue. The linking narration? "And from licking, to loving..." AHHHHH! GAG ME!!! Why are those things necessary? The writers learned their lesson in the first two seasons and dropped the interviews with the camera; why couldn't some of the cutesy narration meet the same fate?
  

• Carrie: I ignored this problem for a long time, but the fact is, Carrie is a self-involved, self-obsessed character. I often blamed this on the writing situation: Carrie was the main character and her struggles always comprised the A-storyline of every episode. The girls had to talk about her and she had to turn the conversation back to herself in order for the storylines to move forward. But that doesn't excuse her rampant whining and self-absorption. It's all right for a character to have flaws, and Carrie's are mostly realistic. What isn't realistic is that her friends wouldn't call her on it more often. You don't get to obsess over Big for the better part of 4 years, continuing to go back to him no matter how badly he has treated you, and then throw a fit when your friends point out, "But he was such an asshole to you!" You don't get to lean on gal-pal Stanford for years, talking about your own, more important sex life, and then when Stanford finally gets a boyfriend, blow off his attempts to talk about his own relationship. (I know, Stanny did call her on that one, but it took an entire episode of Carrie whining about her dead, dead, dead relationship with Aidan for it to happen.) If Aidan tells you he doesn't want to get back together after you cheated on him, you don't get to stalk him and employ the date rapists defense: "His words said no, but his kiss said yes." If you accept a man's engagement proposal, WEAR HIS DAMN RING ON YOUR FINGER! Otherwise, spare his feelings and say no! (I do understand how Carrie got into that situation and I do sympathize with her, but damn if she isn't indecisive and fairly ignorant of the feelings of others.) After all the times Sam has been there for you, and not judged you, and listened to your bitching, could you just let Sam talk about her fear of cancer and not make it all about you!!! Really, Carrie! To be fair, there are a lot of instances of Carrie being the good friend (comforting Charlotte over her miscarriage, continually advising Miranda to just tell Steve how she feels, offering to call off Char's first wedding if she has changed her mind) but more often than not, Carrie turns any discussion of her friend's problem back around to herself, and any friend who does that gets grating after awhile. All that said, I do still love her, mainly because Sarah Jessica Parker is an amazing actress who makes me love Carrie in spite of her glaringly obvious shortcomings.

I suppose I could go on about some of Miranda's ridiculous storylines, the history making fashion (both good and bad), some of the anvil-like metaphors employed by the writers, the fabulousness of Standford and Anthony, and ability to introduce a child to the cast without jumping the shark, like most sitcoms....I could say a lot more. This particular list is only a few of the wonderful and not-so-wonderful things about "Sex and the City." Suffice to say, it was a great show, with talented actresses playing awesome characters, and it allowed us females to enjoy a show that was all about us, for a change. That was nice.