23 Awesome Parties

In honor of both my birthday and New Year's Eve, here's to all the parties we hope our night resemble...



Enchantment Under the Sea Destiny Dances

Christmas Rave with Antihistamines Posing as Ecstasy Parties

Wish Come True Birthday Parties (but please don't let that dress catch on fire)

We Defeated the Empire With Ewoks! Parties

You Know Everyone There and Wish You Didn't Parties

Doomed Lower Class Steerage Parties

 

 

 

Formal-Wear Trampoline Parties

 

Sartorially Challenged Parties

 

 

 

 

Under the Table with the Cool Kids Parties

 

 

 

Watching the Sunrise In All Your Finery Parties

Middle-Aged Rap Parties

 

 

 

 

"Come on Eileen" Dance Parties*

 

 

"We Still Remember Our Long Lost Daughter On Her Birthday" Lantern Parties

 Alien Time Warp Parties

 

 

 

 

Fishtank-Love-At-First-Sight Parties

 

 

 

 

Authentic Karaoke Parties

 

Party at the Moon Tower Parties
 

 

 

Knife Throwing Mamushka Parties

Save the Empire! Parties

Jazz-Age Pool Parties
 

 

 

 

Private Pool Parties

 

 

All-Singing, All-Dancing, Shakespearean Wedding Parties

 

Earning the Power of Self-Respect While Defeating Evil Exes Parties*

(*the best kind in my opinion)

 

 

And hopefully a night something like this...

 

 



What I've Been Watching...

Liberal Arts: Directed by "How I Met Your Mother"'s Josh Radnor, this movie tells the exact experience of college I always wish I had had, but never did. While there were moments of extraordinary learning and occasional inspiration, I was far too shy and afraid to develop real relationships with my teachers and hang out talking about literature and film after class. And I was too busy almost all of my college years working a full-time job to really get involved in extra-curriculars or the college social scene. In fact, the only friends I made, and kept, were younger than me and worked with me at the mall. That was where I truly bonded: with other menial slaves. abused by mall patrons who assumed we were idiots. But this film is full of the joy and security that comes from a great college experience. Radnor's character is a stunted adult, failed by the grind of the real world, who finds solace in the company of college student Zibby, played beguilingly by Elizabeth Olsen. They engage in the kind of effortless rapport we all wish for, and have one amazing disagreement about the viability of "that vampire book" and whether enjoying it means you have no taste. As someone who considers themself able to judge between good and bad, the fact that I in no uncertain terms really liked the "Twilight" franchise was quite disturbing for me. This film finds a suitable compromise for the debate between art and entertainment. Radnor and Olsen are solid and winsome in their roles and the films has room for fun supporting performances from the always great Richard Jenkins and Allison Janney, as well as John Magaro and, surprisingly, Zac Efron. As the title might suggest, this film appeals to the kind of student who chose courses based on their enjoyment, and found encouragement from imaginary characters. This is not about the kind of education meant to further a career. But that is perhaps the reason it appealed so to me; one could never accuse me of being in any way ambitious, or having any career aims other than to occasionally talk about movies in a manner that wouldn't cause embarrassment.

 

The Amazing Spider-Man: I'm a little late to the party on this one considering the trailer for the sequel is already making the rounds. I have adored Andrew Garfield since The Social Network and he doesn't disappoint as young Peter Parker, a role he seems better suited for than Tobey Maguire (who was perfectly acceptable in the role). Garfield is long and wiry, somewhat awkward and quick witted. Despite being almost exactly the same age when they took the role (Maguire was 27, Garfield - believe it or not - was 28, which makes him 30 now!) Garfield seems so much more comfortable playing a high schooler. He convincingly taps into all that angst and unease. He is ably matched by Emma Stone as love interest Gwen Stacy, and she is predictably charming and lovable. A couple in real life, Stone and Garfield have ample chemistry and their first kiss is really good for a superhero movie - playful and intense. The storyline is mostly engaging, especially how Peter develops his powers (he designs his own web-slingers, has a lot of fun taunting both hoodlums and the police, and is believable as an undercover genius), and I really liked that they included the origins of Peter's parents and how that informs his decisions and knowledge of the world. Rhys Ifans is a great actor and had the potential to be a great villain, but on the downside are the mediocre special effects employed when he transforms into "The Lizard." (And truthfully, I'm never really sure what his motivations are once he has changed; does he want to turn everyone into a lizard? Is he merely threatened by the end of his research? I don't think it is adequately explained why a genius scientist with noble motives suddenly starts killing innocent people.) Despite it flaws, and based primarily on the chemistry of its leads, consider me on the hook for the sequel.

 

Stories We Tell: Sarah Polley's ascension as a filmmaker has been pretty extraordinary. A former child actor, known to me as Sarah Stanley on Disney's "Avonlea," Polley grew up to give natural, crisp performances in Go, Dawn of the Dead, and My Life Without Me. Her first directorial effort was Away From Her, a devastating adaptation of Alice Munro's short story "The Bear Came Over the Mountain." That film was bleakly brillant, insightful and tinged with the knowledge of someone who had actually experienced such turmoil. The film garnered lead actress Julie Christie several Best Actress nominations and awards. 2011's Take This Waltz was another indie gem, featured for months  on Netflix's instant watch list. It told the story of an emotional affair between a happily married 20-something (Michelle Williams) and an elusive artist (Luke Kirby). Lush colors, great musical choices, and original visual compositions highlighted a difficult story in which to retain sympathy for the leading lady, but the story always felt creative and true. And now comes Stories We Tell, a documentary about Polley's own family and the story of her conception and childhood. As her own sister says near the beginning of the film, "Who cares about our fucked up family?" But we do care about this fucked-up family - because they are so colorful and candid? because we can see ourselves in these relationships? because the way they talk about their family history is so familiar? I can't say - and it is a testament to the strength of Polley's script and editing choices that I was tearing up within the first 15 minutes. The film embellishes on certain truths about the way we think of our own lives - they are vitally interesting to us even when we think they're are boring, and how they inform how we think of ourselves - while also acknowledging that we don't always recognize the stories as they are happening. The narrator (who also happens to be Polley's dad, a former actor) states: "When you're in the middle of a story, it isn't a story at all but rather a confusion...It's only afterwards that it becomes anything like a story at all, when you're telling it to yourself or someone else." And although I can't relate to these questions of paternity and adultery, the grace and lack of embarrassment in divulging these details makes me feel as though I was there too. That is the magic of a good film - as I think Roger Ebert put it, the more specific the detail, the more relatable the story. Somehow specifics lend themselves to a greater community of shared experience than generic tales that try to appeal to everyone. General platitudes are not inspiring; it is in the details that we find camaraderie. Polley also employs an ingenious framing device that I didn't even realize was faked until the credits rolled: all of the old family movies, used to illustrate and animate the mother's life, were filmed in the here and now with actors and astonishing attention to period detail. I should be angry that I was so duped, but the ruse is so effective I can't say I really mind.

This movie is so good, I'm including the trailer hoping it will persuade you.

The Mortal Instruments:City of Bones: I don't know which books were written first, but this film is clearly another studio attempt to match the success of Twilight. We have vampires, werewolves, warlocks and witches, demons and half-angel shadowhunters all engaged in a secret power struggle. Teenager Clary (Lily Collins) is suddenly thrust into this world when she sees Jace (Jaime Campbell Bower), a Shadowhunter who should be invisible to other "mundanes," which apparently Clary is not as she witnesses him slaying a demon. From here on the plot is mad scramble including the kidnapping of her best friend Simon (Robert Sheehan) by vampires, the disappearance of her mother, a renowned Shadowhunter, the location of the mythical Mortal Cup, Clary trying to retrieve memories that have been magically blocked, unknown paternity issues and a love triangle involving Jace and Simon. Some of this is interesting (the runes Shadowhunters tattoo on their skin to protect themselves and perform enchantments) but much of it is not (evil Valentine's plot to control demons, the torn loyalties of mentor Hodge, the constant whining of Simon, the shallowly managed anger of  fellow Shadowhunter Alec, etc.).  I did enjoy most of Clary's arc (her complaints about having to dress like a hooker to be taken seriously are valid), and the development of her magical abilities, Jace's very dry sense of humor made me chuckle more than once, and the final twist, no matter how drawn out and badly handled, is intriguing. Basically, this is exactly the kind of movie I like to watch when I don't want to be challenged or to think. For what that's worth.



ALSO SEEN:

The Sessions: Great performances from Helen Hunt and John Hawkes (who is finally coming into his own as a renowned character actor) as well as the most sympathetic Catholic priest you will ever seen played by the affable William H. Macy. Sometimes uncomfortable - both emotionally and physically - but very humbling.

Only God Forgives: Beautiful colors and compositions, an eerily still environment, and a wonderful score make this dream-like film interesting. A little short on story for my taste, but worth it for the more experimental film buff. Beware of a few scenes of graphic violence.

This is the End: Yes, Seth Rogen is essentially playing himself, but James Franco, Jonah Hill and Michael Cera give spot-on parodies of themselves (some more rooted in reality than others) and the underused Jay Baruchel (another member of the Rogen/Apatow crew) is finally given a part in which to shine. Very funny, but also a little self-indulgent and crazy.

Coming Soon

On DVD...


The Spectacular Now (Jan 14): WHY ISN'T THIS MOVIE IN MY DVD PLAYER RIGHT NOW!?!?!




Stoker (available now): Didn't think I was all that interested in this but then I saw the full trailer and said "What in the holy hell is this magnificent combination of weird?" I simply must find out.






In Theaters...


Lone Survivor (Dec 27): Pretty great reviews, especially for our erstwhile homeboy Tim Riggins (Taylor Kitsch), and the rest of the cast thrills me as well (Mark Wahlberg, Ben Foster, Emile Hirsch and Eric Bana). Not my typical fare, but by this cast I have been swayed.




Her (Dec 18): It's Spike Jonze. And the amazing Joaquin Phoenix. And Scarlett Johannson as a Siri-like sentient operating system - and she gets a free pass from me after her spot-on performance in Don Jon. This looks so, so sweet.




Winter's Tale (Feb 14): It looks kinda sappy, Colin Farrell and Russell Crowe are not exactly sure bets anymore - especially Crowe's wonky accent - and I can't for the life of me figure out what is going on here. It feels a little like August Rush crossed with Cinderella Man by way of Kate and Leopold. But our leading lady is Jessica Brown-Findley, otherwise known as the best sister on "Downtown Abbey," and her charm is enough for me to give this a chance.




Godzilla (May 16): Had absolutely no interest in this whatsoever, but this trailer is kind of killing it. That first minute is bang on suspense.




The Grand Budapest Hotel (Mar 7): Love, love, love me some Wes Anderson.




Veronica Mars (Mar 14): I've said it before and I'll say it again - why haven't more of you tried out "Veronica Mars," one of the best TV shows to come out of the oughts? It's delightful and snarky and fun and mysterious and those season-long mysteries kick ass. I can't keep badgering you all about this. Just take my word for it and watch the damn show already! And then come see the movie with me!




Dom Hemingway (Apr 4): Jude Law is finally ugly enough to do all the great character actor parts he was always meant for. This looks like a gas. And his costar, Richard E. Grant, should be a star. Check him out in Withnail and I, Gosford Park and "The Scarlet Pimpernel" for some serious, straight-up, charm-your-pants-off snobbery (and in many cases, drunkeness).

Check this Out: Christmas Edition

SCROOGE (1970):

There are a lot of variations of "A Christmas Carol" out there but this one is my personal favorite and the one my family watches year after year on Christmas Eve. Simply put, this is the most resonant production I have ever seen, probably thanks in large part to it being a musical. (You know that's my Achilles heel.) Apart from that, from his dusty cold office, to his palatially run-down home and threadbare fashions, this is then only representation of Ebeneezer Scrooge that actually feels like a miser. Wonderfully played by Albert Finney in his prime, he makes himself almost as uncomfortable as everyone around him. He takes and takes, without using, and truly believes himself put-upon and abused by his own "generosity." It's a very good performance.

But let's get back to that music, shall we? Bob Crachit is a tall, gangly man-child, desperately playing the fool for his adoring children, and his song "Christmas is For Children Young and Old" is the truest, most soul-raising representation of what Christmas could be that I have ever heard. I tear up every time. A group of street urchins follow Scrooge around singing the sarcastic and witty "Father Christmas" which is later reprised as a joyous renunciation of his former life. Also funny is Scrooge singing "I Hate People," without the merest hint of sympathy or self-recognition. The Ghost of Christmas Present preaches to Scrooge how easy it is to be happy if you only choose to be so in "I Like Life." And in a darkly comic piece, all of Scrooge's former debtors sing "Thank You Very Much" to Scrooge's coffin. (In fact most of the piece is darkly comic, from Scrooge getting drunk on the "milk of human kindness," to an exhausted Fezziwig and wife singing the exuberant "December the 25th," to the fantastic parody of Scrooge in hell as Lucifer's personal assistant, which very much amuses fellow damned inmate, Marley.)

And lest I forget the melancholy, as Scrooge remembers his lost love, Isobel, the girl he gave up for the pursuit of wealth, he sees her singing "Happiness" across a montage of their most elated moments. And he sings "You," a bitter and mournful lament that includes the lyrics "now you're a dream gone by/oh how could there be/such a fool, as I?" That thread of regret is always running beneath the surface, informing all the later jubilation with relief. If you make it to the end you will be rewarded with a mash-up of an angelic children's choir singing "Christmas Carol" crossed with "Thank You Very Much," and the fact that two such distinctly beautiful songs sound as if they were made to be sung together is what makes me sure this score is genius. (I think I may have overplayed my hand here. Gone a little too far with the hard sell?)

In addition to all the fun and music and comedy, this is also just about the scariest production I've ever seen - though how much of that is informed by my 5 year-old self I couldn't really say. The premonitions Scrooge has leading up to his life-changing night are subtle and spooky, the kinds of things you can almost imagine seeing in real life. And they don't shy away from the ghostly horror. Alec Guinness plays Marley, Scrooge's deceased partner, and at one point in his pleading with the obstinate Scrooge, he floats up to the ceiling and bangs his chains together while wailing, like this:

 

That was terrifying to me as a kid. Now it is only mildy amusing, as it scares the stuffing out of Scrooge and has him on his knees begging, as Marley intended. (In fact, Guiness' entire performance is so dry that what definitely plays as humor to an adult is positively unnerving to a child.) And when Marley takes Scrooge on a little tour of the damned spirits that are his future company, the grusome faces are enough to give a child nightmares. I was quite proud of the year I was able to watch that entire sequence without a parental hand being placed before my eyes. 

If you like Christmas movies, if you like varied productions of "A Christmas Carol," if you like a good musical, you should really give this movie a chance. If you can find it. It took us years to find it on either VHS or DVD. I did see it on blu-ray at Wal-Mart the other day. (I was only there to use the bathroom, I swear. What? Don't believe me?) Snap it up, please.



"The Christmas Toy" (1991):

 

This made for TV special is basically Toy Story meets "The Muppets." A stuffed tiger named Rugby has been Jaime's favorite toy for the entire year, ever since he was opened last Christmas. To his great surprise, his owner will be getting a new toy on Christmas morning and it won't be him. So he decides to trek downstairs, aided by perpetually frightened cat-nip toy Mew, to replace the toy already wrapped for Jaime with himself. Rugby is selfish and arrogant and makes the lives of many of the other toys (including Apple, the doll that had been Jaime's favorite toy the year before Rugby's arrival) difficult and perilous with his reckless actions. In this world, if a human catches you someplace other than where you were last seen, you become frozen permanently, never to awake again. This makes for some very tense sequences - for a toy, the length of a hallway may as well be a trip to the top of Mt. Everest.

The voicework is exceptional, the friendship between Rugby and Mew well-drawn, and the conclusion contains that abundance of goodwill you would expect from any Jim Henson production. But the real hoot for me is that this is the toy Rugby is trying to replace:

She is a doll named is Mediora and she is apparently some kind of galactic space princess, though once she starts talking she is gruff and terrifying. I can't for the life of me imagine a little girl who would follow up Rugby the stuffed tiger with Mediora, a doll who may come to life in the middle of the night and scrape off your face. To convince her to get out of the box  Rugby and Mew sing a song about the wonderful "Mediora" that plays on her vanity (and come to think of it, has sparks of resemblance to Buzz Lightyear in Toy Story). It's worth the price of admission alone.


Anyone have a Christmas gem that is special in their family? One that you're sure know one else really knows about?

Country Got Good: Music from "Nashville"

I'm not traditionally a country music fan. I guiltily indulge in the occasional Taylor Swift (who doesn't? BE HONEST!), but it's never been my genre. I only started washing "Nashville" because Mrs. Tami Taylor herself (that's "Friday Night Lights" Connie Britton to you) was starring opposite an evil upstart played by Hayden Panettiere. The show is currently in it's second season and story-wise not really anything to write home about. Don't get me wrong, most of the acting is great and there are far worse things out there, but they have really botched some storylines - namely the Rayna/Deacon/Maddie stuff - and the entire flow seems to depend far too much on standard soap opera tropes than is really necessary.

What has almost always succeeded is the music. That's what I stuck around for. In the first season the great T-Bone Burnett was the music producer and he found such amazing songs to include in the show, stuff that felt more accessible to the non-country fan, mainly because it was good country that had roots in soul, folk and blues. Also because every actor on the show sings their own material and some of these actors are ridiculous talented singers. Hayden Panettiere was a big surprise, but the real singing stars are previous unknowns like Claire Bowen, Sam Palladio, and the young Stella sisters, Lennon and Maisie.

Here are some of my favorite songs (songs I fervently wish I could pull off at karaoke):

*"If I Didn't Know Better" - by Clare Bowen and Sam Palladio: From the pilot, the song that started all the buzz.




*"Ho Hey" - Lennon and Maisie Stella: The best version of this song.




*"Nothing in this World Will Ever Break My Heart Again" - Hayden Panettiere: Gah. So good.




*"A Life That's Good" - Lennon and Maisie Stella: I think I could actually do this, there just wouldn't be any harmonizing cause I suck at harmonies.




*"No One Will Ever Love You" - Connie Britton and Charles Esten: In truth, Britton's voice is one of the weakest, but Esten's voice really complements hers and they have great musical chemistry.




*"Be My Girl" - Sam Palladio, Jonathan Jackson and Chaley Rose: There isn't a complete version out there anywhere and it's driving me nuts. I need this downloaded NOW.




*"Fade into You" - Clare Bowen and Sam Palladio: Here they are actually singing live at the Grand Ole Opry so there's proof they can actually sing. I apologize for Clare Bowen's horrible dress. Although it's very in character.




Truthfully I could post just about everything. Some other favorites include "Stronger Than Me" by Connie Britton, "Everytime I Fall in Love" by Clare Bowen, "Consider Me" by Hayden Panettiere, "What If I Was Willing" by Chris Carmack, "When the Right One Comes Along" by Clare Bowen and Sam Palladio, "Wrong Song" by Connie Britton and Hayden Panettiere, and "One Works Better" by Clare Bowen and Sam Palladio.

An Ode to Brenda Walsh

 

As many of you already know, I have been steadily making my way through all 10 seasons of "90210" thanks to the kindness of Soapnet's infinite reruns. I started in Season 6 about seven months ago and am now nearing the halfway point of Season 5. And as I slog through Dylan's alcoholism and Andrea's stupid early marriage, I can't believe how much I miss Brenda Walsh. Supposedly Shannon Doherty was such a bitch on the set that when she didn't want to return after Season 4, they happily sent her on her merry way. If only we knew then what we know now.

Regardless of what she was like behind the scenes, her absence had a hugely negative impact on the show. Without Brenda, there was no one to challenge St. Brandon and his patronizing reign as the most hypocritical good guy ever. Without Brenda, Kelly became the lead female and in the absence of any other complex females around, she was whitewashed and we entered the "Kelly" years where her blameless antics included almost dying in a fire, a cocaine addiction, her "I choose me" bullshit, a single-white-female stalker, almost joining a cult, the wedding that wasn't, a rape, a gunshot wound that gave her amnesia, and being rewritten as Dylan's one and only true love. Without Brenda, the love triangle to rival all love triangles was reduced to some half-hearted blather from Kelly and Dylan and Valerie basically attempting to BE Brenda. Brenda Walsh, wherefore art thou? (Despite Valerie's usefulness in knocking Kelly off her undeserved pedestal from time to time, she was a thoroughly horrible character - mean and spiteful and full of stupid schemes and faux indignation - I HATE Valerie. The fact that she was brought on as Shannon Doherty's replacement is a failure of epic proportions.)


With Brenda (as Laverne, the gum-popping, singing waitress):

Without Brenda:

But Brenda's appeal did not exist only to prevent bad storylines: she was a wonderfully written character on her own. She screwed up more times than anyone (forbidden trips to Tijuana with Dylan, providing fodder for an expose' on rich teens, cheating on her boyfriend with Paris-Rick, getting arrested for vandalising an animal testing lab, trying to get married in Vegas to a guy she'd only been dating for a month, bitching-slapping Andrea in a fight over their drama teacher (actually that was awesome because the only character as bad as Valerie is self-righteous Andrea), and yet through it all, she never lost that spark of relatability. And she always owned up to her mistakes and apologized. Sincerely. She wasn't afraid of speaking her mind or following an unknown path: for all the later talk of Dylan choosing Kelly over Brenda, it was Brenda who broke up with Dylan both times because she was brave enough to put herself first. She did the "I choose me" thing long before Kelly and in a far more honest way. She chose finding out about the complexities of herself over holding onto a guy she may not always want. And she did it with compassion and uncertainty. She didn't have all the answers, just a desire to seek them out. That shows a lot more gumption than she ever really got credit for from the other characters.

In fact, the way Brenda and the show handled her big breakup from Dylan and subsequent betrayal by both him and Kelly, was one of the most realistic portrayals I've ever seen. It took the rest of Season 3 to sort all that out - Brenda didn't speak to either of them for several episodes and even then she never fully let Kelly back into her heart. She even tried to go to college in Minnesota to get a fresh start. Dylan and Brenda dancing at the prom ("You know, I'm almost over you," "Yeah, me too.") felt so real and bittersweet (excuse me for relating a little too much over here).

My point is, Brenda Walsh rocked. I'm sure someone with a more absolute grasp of the 90210 universe could rip my theory of her as the best character to shreds if they had half a mind to, and I'm okay with that. I'll just go back and watch Brenda do her Laverne again and bask in the glow of knowing I'm right.

Celebrity Deaths

At the risk of sounding like a heartless bastard, why does everyone care so much about the death of Paul Walker? Apart from the sadness of someone so young passing too early in such an ironic way (a car crash from the star of the Fast and the Furious franchise), is this really the most tragic thing that happened? Of course we are sad for his family, especially his young daughter, and we wonder how the neverending saga of his franchise will continue, but was everyone out there a closet Paul Walker fanatic and never told me? Where were all these people when his non-Fast and the Furious movies bombed? Was everyone secretly clamoring for more Paul Walker behind my back? I'm sure he has his fans and Lord knows he was an especially attractive specimen of man, but I feel like the blowback of chatter surrounding his death is overdone. People die everyday and while this is sad and deserves respect, I just don't feel it warrants this kind of outpouring.

Unless you were a true fan - then outpour your little hearts out. I swear I'm not heartless. This just feels like people jumping on a bandwagon to me. If someone is deserving of this attention now, they should have been deserving before - and by the absolute lack of media focus of him, he wasn't. It feels hypocritical and false to pretend he was a icon of the acting world now when no one really cared before. That said, on a personal level of course this is sad - to those who knew and loved him. Not to unknowns on Facebook.

Update: I just read this piece over at, where else, Pajiba and it really explains all this unease about the retconning of Paul Walker's fame/appeal much better than I can. Those writers just get me, man.

Top 10 Favorite "Bad" Movies

We all have them. Sometimes known as guilty pleasures, although I don't feel much guilt about anything on this list, especially the top 3. What I was going for are films that have low Rotten Tomato scores (pretty universally hated by critics) but also don't have a lot of goodwill out there amongst the common man either. Will not include critically eviscerated films that have since gone on to become much-loved cult classics like Newsies, Mallrats, Empire Records and (I would include) She's the Man. There has to be an audience that thinks these movies suck too. (And Twilight is just too obvious a mark even though I really quite enjoy the first one.)

• 10 - What's Your Number? (2011): I think Anna Faris is really funny. Yes, she can be a bit too much and while she doesn't have "methface" there is something wrong with her mouth that I can't quite place. But in a movie, she gives it her all. Nothing is too ridiculous that she won't try for the laugh. Here she plays a woman trying to find her husband from among her previous 20 sexual partners because she doesn't want her number to get any higher. She slept with some real duds. She faked an English accent for the entirety of one relationship. And when she tries to resurrect it later, it tumbles into Cockney, then Borat and painfully goes on forever. Laugh my ass off every time. And Chris Evans is in it too and they play a sexy game of strip HORSE. Very flawed, but very funny.

• 9 - Heavyweights (1995): This is how I like my Ben Stiller. Craaaaazy eyes. A fairly generic and formulaic story about kids at fat camp banding together against the fanatical new owner. Kind of a less inspired The Mighty Ducks. But Ben Stiller is brilliant as Tony Perkis. The script has a few genuinely great lines. Plus, I love Lars, the German counselor. Heather and Emily, say it with me now: "How ya doin, little Tony?" "Bad." "Why do you feel bad?" "Because everythings's falling apart and I can't do anything about it! It's not my fault!"

• 8 - Major Payne (1995): Kind of in the same vein here. Misfit kids with shared goal of taking down their leader. But in this case, their leader is Damon Wayons and underneath the ridiculous phonetics of his speech, he actually cares. And he gives us the most terrifying version of the Little Engine That Could that I have ever heard. Monsters in your closet? no problem, we'll shoot it full of caps. "One - don't you look dumb! Two - look at you! Three - don't you ever make jokes about me behind my back or else I'll stomp you into the ground!"

 

• 7 - Housesitter (1992): Goldie Hawn has a one night stand with Steve Martin and then moves to his hometown, moves into the house he built for the girl he actually loves, and tells his parents that she is his wife. And because it's Goldie Hawn, I don't find her psycho in the least. They spend the entire movie making up grandiose stories, he with the hope of proving to the girl of his dreams what a great husband he would make, she with mostly just a desire to cause chaos. It's pretty stupid actually. But it cracks me up. Hawn and Martin have great chemistry and are phenomenal comic actors, even in shit like this.

• 6 - Center Stage (2000): Most of the characters in this movie are played by actual dancers, so you have to excuse the absolutely horrendous acting. Focus on the dancing, please. It is spectacular. Especially the sequence where a lead ballerina makes 3 intricate costume, hair and make-up changes in mid-performance without ever leaving the stage. And try to ignore actual actress Susan May Pratt giving the 2nd worst line reading in the world: "I am the best goddamn dancer in the American Ballet Company. Who the hell are you?!? Nobody!" (1st is obviously Andie MacDowell's "Is it raining? I hadn't noticed" in Four Weddings and A Funeral.)

• 5 - Hook (1991): Yes, it's kind of dingy. Yes, Julia Roberts was a terrible choice to play Tinkerbell, especially as in love with a Robin Williams Peter Pan. But you can't fault Dustin Hoffman's Hook one bit. Or the inspired casting of Bob Hoskins as Smee. Or having an imaginary food fight that becomes real. Or having the new leader of the Lost Boys sport a red mohawk and be named Rufio. RU - FI - OOOOOOO! I like the twist that Peter Pan grew up and can't remember, and the scenes at the beginning of Grandma Wendy (Maggie Smith) trying to tell him are magical and scary. So much better than it's given credit for.

 

• 4 - Gidget (1959): Cheeseball movie for sure, but Sandra Dee is such a darn cute spitfire as Gidget. She is relentlessly cheerful and naive, but full of pluck and determination and smarts. She's not out to score a fella (though she does succumb to the machinations of the romantic comedy eventually) - she wants to surf and be one of the guys. Cute score, James Darren was a dreamboat and I'm a sucker for the image of ease in 1950's California.

• 3 - Far and Away (1992): I've honestly never understood why Tom Cruise's Irish accent gets such a bad rap. It's not great, but it doesn't distract me from the movie. I think he and (at the time) wife Nicole Kidman have an easy chemistry together (and she is quite funny too), Ron Howard shot a film with beautiful visuals, a lovely score, accurate set design and the credits close with Enya's "Book of Days." What's not to love? The penis under the bowl jokes? The amped up boxing? The edge of your seat land race?

 
 
• 2 - Across the Universe (2007): Perhaps trying to tell a story about 6 characters where their entire storyline is constructed from what Beatles songs you had the rights to was a bit ambitious and a slight misstep. But the songs and the singers are lovely. Fantastic renditions of "I've Just Seen a Face," "If I Fell," "I Wanna Hold Your Hand," "Helter Skelter," and "Let It Be." Amazing visuals, even when they skew heavy-handed. Great actors, uplifting story. At least it really tries. Balls to the wall tries.

• 1 - Speed Racer (2008): This movie is a treasure. Cheesy, long, occasionally tone-deaf, but revolutionary visuals. A storyline that is begging to be mocked, and yet somehow draws you in. Exciting, well-shot action sequences with engrossing races. The editing of the final race alone is masterful. I know the film had to fail in theaters when pitted against Iron Man, but why it failed so massively on a critical scale I will never understand.

Just Missed the cut: The Lake House, The Holiday, Summer Magic and Six Days, Seven Nights.

What are your favorite "Bad" movies?

Review: Catching Fire (mostly for book readers)

I'm going to live-blog this event even though it's been approximately 108 hours since I saw the movie. All time stamps have been completely fabricated, but I tried very hard to get them close. If you haven't read the book, or don't want to be spoiled about film details, do not read. While I am a spoiler whore myself, if would truly sadden me to ruin it for any Catching Fire virgins out there.

-0:10 - A kid in the audience just proposed to his girlfriend using a cardboard sign and glow sticks. Cute. Or would be if I wasn't sitting with my ex about an hour after we had discussed thwarted wedding ideas of our own.

-0:09 - Oh thank God, he was just asking her to the Winter Formal. Still kind of awkward.

0:01 - Katniss is wearing a hideous, asymmetrical knit scarf that appears to be growing out of her coat. It's distracting me from the scene. And I say this as a die-hard lover of all scarves.

0:03 - Hey, it's Jack Quaid! You know, the first guy that Katniss killed? It's a flashback. And here I was worried Meg and Dennis' kid wasn't gonna get more work.

0:06 - My thigh is touching my ex's thigh. Is that weird? Maybe I should move it over. Now my inner thighs are strained. Must do more Pilates. Ooh, good kiss between Gale and Katniss.

0:07 - I like the look of the Victor's houses; generic and identical. But I wish we got a better angle of how alienated and isolated the Victor's are. In their own section of town, surrounded by all the empty houses of Victors never to come.

 

0:09 - Donald Sutherland is a great choice for President Snow but the book is so much better at conveying his sensory creepiness. The fact that his breath smells like blood is by far the most compelling thing about his villainy and the film is simply not getting that across.

0:11 - Peeta and Katniss are really cute and awkward in this scene before the cameras. It's making me root for Peeta here, which is a good sign for Josh Hutcherson: his chemistry with Jennifer Lawrence and his overall charisma have really improved.

0:15 - Gah, Rue! You were wonderful. And the Victory Tour in District 11 is pretty gut-wrenching. Except there is that one sister of Rue who is just giving me nothing. It's like she's playing that her Ipod isn't going to be delivered until after her birthday instead that her sister died. Boooo! Rue was the best.

0:18 - I love you, Woody Harrelson. You are truly a treasure as Haymitch. Keep giving Katniss hell.

0:23 - The costumers are having so much fun with Effie's wardrobe. How does she even see in that high-necked monstrosity? Poor Elizabeth Banks has to completely turn around just to see the other actors. But I love Katniss' eyeshadow and the fact that her gown has subtle feather detailing. I can't remember if that is in the book or not but as it is a Cinna creation, it's a pretty safe bet.

0:25 - Glad they included the bit about the liquid that makes you throw up. Revolting yet exacting detail from the book.

0:27 - I almost put my arm around my ex's shoulders and stroked his neck. Damn, I gotta watch myself.  I have to literally grab on to the opposite arm rest to keep my hand from wandering. It's just too familiar. My fingers are gripping the cup holder.

0:30 - I was very excited when Philip Seymour Hoffman was cast as Plutrach. He has a quiet authority and calm and these scenes with President Snow portray what a clever poker player the character had to be.

0:34 - The guy they got to play Commander Thread is a very familiar character actor. I can't place him right now but I hate him on sight.

0:36 - The whipping of Gale would be more effective if I hadn't just seen 12 Years a Slave and learned what a truly eviscerating whipping looks like.

0:43 - I feel sorry for anyone who was already spoiled on Katniss going back into the arena because this moment was such a gut-punch in the book. I remember wanting to crawl into the ground with Katniss. The anger was just so palpable. To be fair, Jennifer Lawrence plays it for all it's worth.

0:45 - Haymitch's assertion that Peeta is "more than you'll ever deserve" would carry more weight if the films could focus more on his character. I feel like Josh Hutcherson is capable of making Peeta that noble and tender, but it somehow just isn't coming through in the film's structure.

0:47 - Elizabeth Banks has so much more to play this time around. I think I like Effie even more in the films than in the books. Her eye contact with Katniss in this scene speaks volumes.

0:51 - While I'm glad for the footage of the other Reapings, they just look so budget and junior high AV club. This is a multi-million dollar franchise; the production value should extend to the 2nd unit work. But yay, I'd forgotten about the casting of Jeffery Wright as Beetee and Amanda Plummer as Wiress!

0:52 - Amanda Plummer is the daughter of Christopher Plummer; Captain Von Trapp spawned the delightful weirdness that is Honey Bunny. I'm so tickled.

0:55 - The smell of popcorn has finally settled down and all I can smell is my ex. I'd forgotten how much I missed that smell. I'm starting to feel like a creeper over here.

0:59 - First appearance of Sam Claflin as Finnick. Well, he certainly looks the part. But he was terrible in Snow White and the Huntsman - less charming than Kristin Stewart, if that's even possible! I'm going to reserve judgment for now.

1:02 - YES! I love these costumes! In the book it says they are supposed to look like coal embers - I'd say mission accomplished. And the CGI is much less distracting than it was for the Girl on Fire moment in the first film. Jennifer Lawrence and Josh Hutcherson look badass. And the way Katniss holds eye contact with President Snow the entire ride is pretty fantastic too.

1:05 - Dear me, Jena Malone is a perfect Johanna Mason (and their initials match - how darling, like it's MFEO). That striptease in the elevator is the most levity these films have ever had. So much sass and Jennifer Lawrence is practically falling over with those melodramatic eyerolls.

1:09 - Jennifer Lawrence finally gets to show off all that archery training she's done. Impressive simulation. Reminds me of Tron.

1:12 - Yay, Ceasar Flickman! Stanley Tucci's take on him is one of the most delightful things I've ever seen. That ridiculous, maniacal laugh, the faux sincerity, how he plays the pageantry to the audience. I wish these interviews were in real time so we could indulge in his every artificial maneuver.

1:14 - Johanna Mason tells the Capitol to Fuck Off and they bleep her! The moment I never knew I always wanted.

1:17 - That wedding dress is totes fugly. It does look like it belongs in the Capitol. But perhaps my favorite moment of the entire film is watching her twirl and become the Mockingjay - those magnificent wings and the wonder on her face. It's beautiful.

1:22 - And the Victors all hold hands in united defiance of the Capitol. Great moment in the book, great moment in the film.

1:25 - Accidental boob graze from my ex when reaching for the soda. Why are these seats so close together?

1:28 - Shit, Cinna's last scene is effective. Pretty much as brutal as I imagined. Great acting from Jennifer Lawrence here; completely unhinged and hysterical, slowly melding into radiant determination. And even if Lenny Kravitz isn't a great actor, he had a very solid and comforting presence.

1:31 - The arena is a pretty exact replica of what I had imagined. And they don't shy away from the violence here.

1:37 - Okay, Sam Claflin can stay. I wasn't completely sold on alluring tribute Finnick, but in-the-arena Finnick is awesome and gets it done.

1:42 - Jennifer Lawrence has been very solid overall, but I just don't get how she is balls-out amazing in some scenes (like crying over almost-dead Peeta) and then gives such flat line readings in others. Was the editor snoozing? To be fair those dead readings are mostly in scenes with Gale. I guess Liam Hemsworth just isn't an inspiring partner.

1:47 - Creepy, creepy mist. Great effects overall. I totally forgot it was poisonous. Damn, I really like Lynn Cohen as Mags. She was Miranda's housekeeper, Magda, on Sex and the City.

1:49 - The characters are immersing themselves in water to wash off the poisoned boils and the theater is bubbling with laughter every time one of them groans. I guess it does sound kind of orgasmic. Reminds me of watching The Rules of the Game in film class; everyone was in hysterics during the game hunting scene (don't ask me why, but once it starts it's infectious) and our TA's were horrified at the irreverence for such an important and solemn scene.

1:52 - We have arrived at the monkeys. They are baboons, which I was not expecting, and kind of silly, which I should have. But I can only imagine how difficult is is to create a horde of threatening monkeys on your computer. All those pink behinds...

1:57 - Finally Johanna Mason is back to curse at the heavens once more. I adore her. And she reminds me that we're not really aware of just how horrible the Victors have all had it. How much they have lost. Was this in the book? Or not until Mockingjay? My righteous anger is curious.

2:02 - The whole jabberjay existence was never really explained in the movies, but their execution here is unnerving. Horrifying reactions from Katniss and Finnick, and bless Peeta's little heart and he tries to be encouraging. I keep wondering if I would be as attuned to voices of my loved ones in this situation. I have never heard them scream - would they still sound familiar?

 

2:11 - I feel sorry for the actors playing Enobaria and Gloss and the other "Careers." They show up on the red carpets and smile and pose and then here they are with practically no screen time and nary a close up to help me remember them at all. Kind of a thankless job. Like that model hired to play "Heidi" in Twilight: New Moon. She is literally in two scenes with one line. But her casting was announced in the trades along with everyone else. What a letdown.

2:13 - In some of the wide shots the arena just doesn't look big enough. It's beautiful, but a little closed and fake. Maybe that was intended.

2:16 - Sweet, sweet romance between Peeta and Katniss on the beach. I think I'm officially rooting for them, finally. Magnificent lighting on the beach. Great kissing too - vastly superior to the first installment. My ex is side-eyeing me. Checking for signs of discomfort during these painfully heartfelt moments? Well, I may look pissed as hell, but it's a mask. My heart is breaking a little more every day.

2:20 - What is there to say about these final moments in the arena? That Katniss searching for Peeta is a tad poignant? That Johanna is still a badass? That Finnick is beautiful when he says "Remember who the real enemy is"? And that hopeful arrow aimed skyward...

2:23 - And then they tossed on an interminably long shot of Katniss in Christ-pose. A little heavy-handed I feel? You are not Willem Dafoe in Platoon.

2:25 - When Jennifer Lawrence calls Haymitch a liar she sounds exactly like her character in Silver Linings Playbook. Kind of threw me for a minute. I wish we could have seen Peeta one last time. I do not look forward to the shell of Peeta he will be once we meet again.

2:27 - And credits. Actually, according the IMDb running time, the credits should have started about 9 minutes ago. Damn.



Conclusions: A very faithful if somewhat unimaginative telling of the book. Sticklers for detail will be pleased with how closely this hews to the book, but there is not a lot of room for surprises or spontaneity, except in scenes with Johanna Mason or with Jennifer Lawrence reacting to Johanna Mason. But, great effects, brilliant casting, effective script, a little mirth and I'm not sure what else I should really be expecting. A smidgen more mood and mystery, perhaps. But I can't say I'm disappointed. Also, if you were a movie-going couple, do not go to a movie with your ex too soon. The close physical proximity is sadly distracting and every love reference in the movie will seem like a gavel pounded on your heart.