Texting @ the Movies

This morning I was making my usual blog rounds, looking for the next great read, when I came across "Texting? Hold Up" over at the Movie Dearest blog. I glanced it over, found I agreed that people who text during movies (in the theater) are mostly annoying and deserve some lessons in movie etiquette. Then I put it out of my mind and went to see the matinee showing of The Dark Knight at the Rio in Sweet Home...

...where lo and behold, I encountered my personal Case Example #3,091 of "Don't text during the movie!" It was a doozy.


First of all, I have never expected the same level of theater respect from the people of Sweet Home who congregate at the Rio; I don't want to sound like a snob, but years of growing up in this town, with that theater as the only public movie house within the city limits, has taught me that the Rio theater is nothing more than a holding cell for disrespectful teenagers on a Saturday night. Whatever the movie, they show up in droves, take over entire rows, and bunker down for a night of gossip, relationship drama, cell phone merry-go-round, and lots of loud, riveting chatter. And no offense to kids, who can be lovely, but the Rio usually has a hearty dose of fussy kids in attendance as well, probably because (except for Sunday) the 7pm showing of any movie is the earliest available for a child to attend in Sweet Home. Suffice to say, it's never been my favorite venue, and I usually go elsewhere.

But on this particular Sunday, after being inundated with blog gossip about the awesomeness of The Dark Knight, Heath Ledger's performance, Aaron Eckart's make-up as Two-Face, blah di blah, I was really in the mood to see the movie as soon as possible. And whala! The Rio managed to book The Dark Knight it's opening weekend. So my parents and I decided to go.


Our first mistake was choosing seats farther away from the teenagers. The decision was between 5 open seats directly behind a full row of 14 year-olds, or 4 open seats behind no one, and next to a sweet-looking 10 year-old boy; we chose to sit near the boy. Big mistake, and not because of the boy: because of his turd of a mother. This woman was rather rotund, in her '40's, quiet and calm. Seemed like a normal person to me. However, for the first third of the movie, she routinely whipped our her cell phone (one of the ones that open up to show a full keyboard, with a wider viewing screen, like Heather's) and proceeded to text every 5 minutes. Her screen was bright, her texting was slow, and her demeanor was in complete disregard to the growing rage inside of me and my mother. (One glance at the teenagers showed me they were watching the movie in rapt silence and attention - go figure.) Clearly I had a hard time getting into the spirit and tone of the movie (which was excellent, by the way) with the consistent blue glow setting off my features.

I spent this time coming up with clever ways to tell her off and send the message that texting right next to me was not going to be tolerated. I fantasized about grabbing her cell phone, exiting the theater, and throwing it into oncoming traffic. I considered whipping out my own cell phone and subtly shining it directly toward her face, much as one would blind a person with a well-positioned mirror in the sun. I imagined saying "Excuse me, I don't mean to be rude, but that texting is extremely inconsiderate, ruining this movie for me, and it would seem appropriate for your tubby, neglectful, uncivil ass to stop texting, shut the fuck up, and watch the goddamn movie." All in a perfectly calm voice of course. Obviously, I did not say this, however much it was warranted. Rather it was my mother who spoke up, as I knew she would if I didn't find a way to discreetly diffuse the problem, saying "You know, you're being really rude!" Well done, mom. And with an absolute economy of language. I think the lady got the message, although she did check her phone once more, bitch.


I don't purport to being perfect in this regard; there have been one or two occasions when I have texted during a theater film. However, in my defense, I only texted if I was expecting an important call from someone, about something important, and I only answered texts if I was in a fairly empty theater, sitting by myself, at least two rows away from the next nearest viewer. I try to be considerate - usually my phone goes untouched for the entirety of a film, at home as well as at the theater. Why don't other people get the message?


TEXTING DURING MOVIES IS RUDE! PAY ATTENTION! STOP BEING AN INCONSIDERATE ASSHOLE! ROBBIE DOESN'T NEED TO KNOW THAT "this movie is kewl!" GROW UP!


If you don't understand this, there really is no hope for you. (God help those who actually answer the phone during a movie - they are going straight to hell.) I considered leaning over to the woman after the film and whispering, "You are a rotten human being," but I thought that might be going too far. I'm still not sure letting her go was the right call.